Monday, February 19, 2007

moco barbie (beware: stereotypes ahead)

Following the success of editions in San Francisco, Minneapolis, Boston (and even in Northern Virginia), Mattel recently announced the release of limited-edition Barbie Dolls for the Montgomery County market. We can't swear to the authenticity of the report, but if it's NOT true, it should be. Here are the dolls:

Rockville Barbie
This princess Barbie is sold only at Montgomery Mall - ahem, Westfield Montgomery. She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade Handbags, a Lexus SUV, a long-haired foreign dog named Honey and a cookie-cutter house. Available with or without tummy tuck and face lift. Workaholic Ken sold only in conjunction with the augmented version.

Germantown Barbie

The modern day suburban homemaker Barbie is available with Ford Windstar minivan and matching gym outfit. She gets lost easily and has no full-time occupation. Traffic jamming cell phone sold separately.

Wheaton Barbie

This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, a Ray Lewis knife, a Chevy with dark tinted windows, and a Meth Lab Kit. This model is only available after dark and must be paid for in cash (preferably small, untraceable bills) unless you are a cop, then we don't know what you are talking about.

Damascus Barbie
This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too small, a NASCAR t-shirt and tweety bird tattoo on her shoulder. She has a six-pack of Bud light and a Hank Williams Jr. CD set. She can spit over 5 feet and kick mullet-haired Ken's butt when she is drunk. Purchase her pickup truck separately and get a confederate flag bumper sticker absolutely free.

Poolesville Barbie
This tobacco-chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of her own high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased beer-gutted Ken out her house. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails, and a see-through halter-top. Also available with a mobile home.

Takoma Park Barbie
This doll is made of actual tofu. She has long straight brown hair, arch-less feet, hairy armpits, no makeup and Birkenstocks with white socks. She prefers that you call her Willow. She does not want or need a Ken doll, but if you purchase two Barbies and the optional Subaru wagon, you get a rainbow flag bumper sticker for free.

Bethesda/Post-Gentrification Silver Spring Barbie

This collagen injected, rhino plastic Barbie wears a leopard print outfit and drinks cosmopolitans while entertaining friends. Percoset prescription available as well as faux warehouse conversion condo.

White Oak/Pre-Gentrification Silver Spring Barbie

This Barbie now comes with a stroller and infant doll. Optional accessories include a GED and bus pass. Gangsta Ken and his 1979 Caddy were available, but are now very difficult to find since the addition of the infant.

Potomac Barbie

This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of BMW convertible or Hummer H2. Included are her own Starbucks cup, credit card and country club membership. Also available for this set are Shallow Ken and Private School Skipper. You won't be able to afford any of them.


Ceilisundancer said...

Some of this is pretty funny, cracked up at Germantown Barbie. However, Poolesville Barbie really should be driving a horse trailer, not a mobile home, and what's with the drinking bit.

Donatony said...

Brilliant! I loved Wheaton Barbie. I showed it to a few friends and they were laughing their a**es off.

Anonymous said...

Funny, but racist.

Debbie Cook said...

OMG, Dan this was hillarious!! Best Post I've read in a long time. I am laughing so hard, you really brightened my day!! I wish you would do a South Silver Spring, Woodside and Burtonsville Barbie! Thanks for the laugh.

Docciavelli said...

Tremendous. I'm from Anne Arundel and even I thought it was great.

We should do the same here:
Glen Burnie Barbie
Glen Burnie Barbie comes with three rugrats she couldn't care about, and Wanna-be Whiteboy Ken has fake gangsta chain and off-set ballcap.
If you buy now, you'll get a free membership to Ravens Roost #15.

Anonymous said...

This is hilarious. Takoma Park and Wheaton are the best ones. Besides being incredibly stereotypical and offensive this is so funny. Oh, wait that's what makes it funny.